


KARMA

by alinewrites



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-09
Updated: 2010-10-09
Packaged: 2017-10-12 13:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alinewrites/pseuds/alinewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray Kowalski is dead and Fraser seems to have given up on life all the same so Ray Vecchio pays him a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KARMA

Ray waits long enough to make sure Stella will be OK. Waits until she stops crying. Crying over the pictures, over the letters she's kept, crying helplessly in Ray's arms at how unfair it is and why him of all the men, why him?

Ray has no answer to that.

Eventually she stops and of course the kid helps, she has him at least; Ray Jr, two years old and lots of energy to spend. He needs her. Ray needs her too. So life takes over.

But Fraser…

Fraser has no one. Fraser has given no news, hasn't come to the funeral. For all Ray knows he left the RCMP; he rebuilt his father's cabin and lives up there with the wolf as only company. Ray knows his old friend well enough; he's seen him go through this already and he thinks that maybe Fraser isn't going to make it this time, that this loss is the final straw and he'll let himself fade away, he'll forget to eat, and one day he'll forget to breathe.

Ray flies to Yellowknife in the middle of May and rents a truck. It takes him some time to find Fraser's place in the middle of nowhere; it's been so long since last time...

But finally there he is, at the end of a sunny afternoon, knocking at the door.

"Benny," he says, and Fraser blinks at him, trying to understand, trying to recognize him, trying hard to disperse the shadows trapping him.

God, he looks like he's already dead and Ray has to close his eyes for a second in front of his friend's ghost –too long hair, rumpled dirty clothes, trembling mouth, bloodshot eyes…

"Go away, Ray," Fraser says finally, standing all tense and stiff his eyes cold and empty "Go away. Leave me alone; I don't need you."

"Well I do, I need you, my friend," Ray says and walks in, pushing Fraser out of the way, dropping his bag and looking around.

Dark. Cold. Dirty. Empty. Diefenbaker's nowhere to be seen.

"Where's the wolf?"

"Gone."

"What does that mean, gone?"

"I think he had enough of me; he left two days ago."

"I see. Maybe you'd forgotten to feed him, uh? So he went hunting?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

This is one "I-don't-give-a-fuck" maybe if Ray ever heard one.

"You don't have to stay."

"Oh yes, Benny; I have to. I'm staying for a while."

Ray thinks maybe Fraser's going to fight him but Fraser just shrugs, goes back to his sagging armchair near the window, his back to the door, staring at the wall.

When Ray cooks, Fraser barely eats a thing.

It goes on like this for nearly a week. Ray tidies up the place as much as he can; makes a fire; buys grocery. Eventually one morning Diefenbaker comes back and Ray finds himself knocked down and thoroughly licked and sniffed all over –at least someone here likes him. Diefenbaker's more company than the scruffy, silent, emaciated, dying stranger sitting in a corner of the room, deaf and blind to everything.

The only times Fraser talks he says "I wasn't there. If I'd been, he would be alive."

Ray knows it's bullshit but he's smart enough to remain silent.

So Ray takes long walks across the woods, birds singing, snow melting, flowers blossoming eagerly under the caress of a mild sun, Diefenbaker frolicking ahead of him. Life. Everything Fraser refuses to see. He drives the rented truck to the nearest town –well, it's barely a town. He talks to Maggie on the phone and understands that Fraser forbade her to come, maybe even threatened her and when she did come turned her out. Strangely that makes him feel a little better. At least Fraser didn't kick his ass out; not yet. Of course it's a very small consolation. If Fraser had enough energy to try and kick him out maybe he could stir up a fight and good things often come from fights.

He has a cup of coffee at Mary McKenzie's place and Mary's bitch just had puppies. Furry awkward little balls running everywhere. Funny. One of them looks shyer and more awkward still; he's not as white as the others; his fur is something of a golden shade, his blue eyes are softer and it's easy to see he won't grow up to be the most aggressive mutt in the wild wild North. But Diefenbaker's interested. Very interested. So interested that he picks up the puppy with his teeth and pulls him out, drags him to the truck.

Nothing Ray or Mary can do will make him give up.

"Take him," Mary says "maybe the wolf means to tell us something. Bring him back with you to the cabin."

"Ben will kick his ass out. He can barely stand Dief, and me."

"Maybe it's about more than just having a dog," Mary says mysteriously.

Mary's half native, she has those impressive dark eyes Ray remembers from that time he shared the sauna…sweat lodge… whatever Benny called it… with one of Eric's relatives and he has the fleeting feeling there's more on her mind than what she says.

So he puts the whining puppy in the truck and drives back.

"OK. Let's give it a try. I'm sure he won't even notice."

Dief carries the puppy inside and Fraser looks as dead as the fire, his mouth a bitter line, his eyes far away.

"Would be to much to ask that you take care of anything, uh?" Ray snarls, relighting the fire. "I'm so disappointed in you, Benny."

"It does indeed appear that I'm a very disappointing man, therefore you should leave me alone."

"It does indeed appear that you're a coward. Is that hard to face?"

Fraser looks up at him; he's sitting on the bed –well, the thing he calls a bed and that he leaves to Ray at night to sleep on the floor because he doesn't even deserve a bed.

"No," he says "I always knew I was."

"I'm getting so tired of this shit!"

"You can leave; I'm not holding you back."

Ray's about to get really angry then but suddenly the puppy's here, followed by Dief, and he's tripping over every obstacle, falling as he tries to run or jump, making little noises that should be barks but sound suspiciously like wailing.

"What is this?"

"Dief brought him here. It's one of Mary's bitch's puppies."

"Take him away."

"Well Benny I don't think it's an option. I don't have any authority over the wolf."

Fraser shrugs and looks away. The old Fraser would've done it: grabbed the dog and brought him back to Mary. This one just loses interest in him. But during the day, as the puppy gets bolder and bolder, trying to attract Fraser's attention, Ray catches Fraser looking. In the evening, when Fraser agrees wearily to help carrying logs inside for the fire, the puppy follows. He falls down the stairs, head over heels, whining, but then starts again and again and when it's time to go inside, it takes him a long time to climb each step but when Ray wants to help, Fraser stops him. Finally Dief picks the puppy up, shoves him inside, and then there's a very angry puppy baring his teeth at Dief -wants to do his stuff on his own, just like Ray Vecchio jr.- and Ray's pretty sure Dief's laughing his ass off inside. When the puppy pounces, the wolf just shoves him back effortlessly, throwing him through the room. There's a loud thump when the dog falls down to the floor and you'd think that would be enough but the kid comes back for more and more and more.

"He's pathetic," Ray says. But it's not what he's thinking.

"But persistent. And bold."

"Not much sense of danger, either."

"You're right."

"And the hell of an attitude, don't you think?"

Ray laughs and he's not dreaming the smile on Fraser's lips. He's not dreaming and eventually Fraser picks up the puppy and lifts it at eyes level, his big hand under his belly; the puppy's legs hanging limp.

"You should be more careful, young boy. You're not up to an old experienced half-wolf."

Dief lets out a short bark and Fraser turns to him with a stunned expression.

"This is quite impossible, Dief."

Next bark's more urgent and Ray can see Fraser swallow hard. He's still holding the puppy, looking crushed.

"No. No, no, no… Ray, take him back, I can't keep him."

Fraser puts the puppy down as if he's some kind of dangerous explosive poisonous thing and steps back.

"Take him away, please."

Diefenbaker's facing Fraser, growling.

"It's not… I don't… I can't. Not again; I can't protect him, I can't. It's not fair of you to…"

The puppy takes two steps forward and comes to rest against Fraser's ankle.

"Do you think you have a choice, Benny? He got you."

"Ray, he doesn't even look able to sustain himself! He's smaller than he should be and… He should've been put to death, I'm fairly sure he was the weakest of the whole litter."

"Sometimes appearances are deceiving, Benny."

"Not when it comes to dogs."

"I remember some scrawny skinny stubborn Pollack who could outclass anyone and when he couldn't he still tried. I think this dog's like him."

A horrible silence falls, but Ray's not cursing himself, he feels he had to do it. He doesn't know why but he had to.

When Fraser starts crying Ray thinks of Stella and when Fraser stumbles out of the cabin Ray doesn't follow him, gives him space. From the doorstep he can hear the soft groans of pain and grief and despair, he can see Fraser's sobs-racked body curled up down the stairs.

"Ray. Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray…" It's a lament, or a complaint, an endless grieving litany and maybe it's the beginning of something. Healing?

It seems to last for hours and eventually Dief, who's been sitting here, rouses and retrieves the puppy who's fallen asleep by the fire, pushes him to the door, then looks at Ray meaningfully and Ray understand.

"OK, buddy; let's try."

The puppy stumbles outside, falls down the first step, manages to take the second, tries to jump on Fraser's lap, fails miserably, tries again and finally climbs along the leg of Fraser's jeans, digging his brand new claws into the thick cloth until Fraser notices and hauls the dog up. He rests his big shaking hand on the soft golden fur and the puppy begins making happy noises.

Dief whines.

"OK, he's not very good at barking. But you'll teach him, right? I'm sure he's the fast learning type."

When Ray comes out, finally, Fraser has closed his eyes. He's still shaking with tearless sobs but his fingers are combing through the puppy's fur and he's whispering, "Ray," in a very soft tone while the mutt pushes his muzzle against Fraser's arm…

And Ray Vecchio knows Benny's talking to another Ray entirely. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere, there's a part of another Ray listening; maybe there's hope after all; and for the first time in nine days Ray allows himself to really *breathe*.


End file.
